I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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