She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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