quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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