She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
