Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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