i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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