mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
