WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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