He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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