Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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