Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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