the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
