i can't believe i had my finger in that
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
