Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize