Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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