she woke up with a sticky ear
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
