Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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