Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
