Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
