Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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