Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
