Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
