How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
