I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
