you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
