soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
