Don't make out with my wife yet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
