for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
