Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
