So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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