bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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