Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize