tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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