i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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