I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
