so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
