does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
