i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
