you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
