i need an iv and a liver transplant
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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