so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
