you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
