He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
