there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
