She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
