did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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