Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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