I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
