apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
