FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize