So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
