She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
