Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
