I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
