I cockslap morals
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize