yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
