the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
