I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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