Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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