Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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