So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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