I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
