I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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