i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
