Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
