His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
